Sometimes it’s necessary for a team to bring in a pitcher with a cannon for an arm, a stopper, someone to throw frozen ropes chest high and back the opposition off the plate. I’m talking Pedro, Lee Smith, John Rocker and Carl Mays (he killed a guy in 1920 with a fastball).
Enter Big Sexy to the Top Ducker forum. 99mph heater right over your batting helmet, wad of chewing tobacco in and knee high socks on. Here to put together a Top 5 list for the real man. Not some Scientologist (Cruise), big eared alien fighter (Smith) or one trick pony (Kilmer), but THE man. Arnold. No one has been more connected to the action movie genre in the history of cinema. For nearly a decade Arnold was the biggest star in the world, commanding top dollar for his box office appeal.
I present to you, your Top 5 Arnold Schwarzenegger movies.
Here’s to the Austrian Oak, Mr. Universe – Arnie.
#5 – Commando
Listen – if a dudes name is Colonel John Matrix……don’t kidnap his daughter. Especially if his daughter is my childhood crush, Alyssa Milano. I know she’s batshit crazy now and eats tampon blood or whatever, but she’s still a smoke. I digress.
This one was one of Arnold’s most popular movies, staying in the #1 spot for 3 weeks in 1985. Lots of cheesy lines, lots of guns and explosions and Arnie carrying a tree on his shoulder like it was a rake. Oh – and he killed a dude with a steam pipe. Boom. Roasted. The best part of this cinematic masterpiece? When Matrix drops bad guy Sully off a cliff to his death. He was a little bitch. Sorry Top Ducker.
#4 – Conan the Barbarian
The role that really put Arnold on the map in 1982. He plays a muscular (shocking I know) warrior who seeks vengeance for the death of his parents at the hands of weird, snake cult leader Thulsa Doom played by the legendary James Earl Jones. Weird ducking villain name, awesome portrayal by JEJ other than the creepy ass Rick James wig he wears. This movie eclipsed $100 million at the Box Office in 1982 and eventually did over $300 million as a worldwide cult classic.
Sidekicks, a battle with a giant snake, a snake used as an arrow and the bad guy getting his head lopped off at the end. What more could an action fan ask for?
#3 – End of Days
I expect this is the one on my list that will raise some eyebrows and receive some flak, but hear me out. This is one of Arnold’s most underrated performances in his career. It showed he had chops beyond shooting a machine gun and flexing. In a film with some serious religious undertones, he plays Jericho Cane (biblical much?), a suicidal and alcoholic ex-cop who is mourning the death of his wife and daughter, for which he blames God. Arnie does a great job playing this role, which has a little more grit and edge than his typical action hero roles. The premise of the movie is pretty straight forward – protect the girl (Christine York…Christ in NY….get it?) from the devil, played exceptionally by Gabriel Byrne.
It’s an action packed supernatural action thriller that sees Arnold character evolve his faith and make the ultimate sacrifice in his battle against evil. Well done from front to back – including bit parts by Kevin Pollack and CCH Pounder. But Byrne steals the show. He is captivating in every scene and downright creepy.
Plus Satan has a threesome with a mother and daughter. #OG #PIMP
#2 Terminator 2: Judgement Day
The clear cut #1 on most lists, this is a memorable, epic, thunderous action movie that introduced the world to computer generated images and insane special effects. If you haven’t seen this movie – you’re an asshole and should move to Russia. This is a must see. Period. End of discussion.
Brilliant soundtrack, great storylines, tremendous action and Arnold being Arnold. “I’ll be back” and shit. Plus Linda Hamilton looking like a delicious, feminine, muscular Popsicle and Robert Patrick being one of the best villains in the history of cinema.
So Big Sexy – if it’s so amazing a wonderful, why isn’t it number one? Well……
#1 – Predator
The plot is simple – a commando team, led by Arnold’s Dutch Schaefer, goes into the jungle on a rescue mission and ends up battling a serial killer from space. Sounds lame right? Not if it’s done properly and with the best damn characters seen in 80’s/90’s action flicks.
The Predator picks off Dutch’s team one by one in gruesome fashion…..
Laser blast through the chest? Bye Blaine.
Sniper shot to the head – peace out Mac.
Chopping Apollo Creed’s arm off? Bitch please.
Wait a second………
Then comes the real meat and potatoes that make this movie amazing. Dutch vs. Predator. One on one. Clash of the Titans.
Hands down one of the best battle scenes in movie history. Simply legendary. The mud, the bow, the heat vision and that moment when the Predator removes his mask to throw down with Dutch. Just badass all the way around.
This is MY clear cut #1 for old Arnie. Action, great fight scenes, memorable characters and a soundtrack that is recognizable even today. Sequels have been made (and failed). The only one that had a shot was Predators, which paid homage to the original in the film. But Adrian Brody isn’t Arnold.
And it didn’t have this.
Thanks for reading. Until next time – Much Love & Respect.
– Big Sexy
- Written by Big Sexy
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