What up brotha, bro-man, brochacho?! Our scientists went into the lab months ago. After strenuous hours of research, barrels of whiskey, and a herds worth of steaks, they’ve come up with the ultimate television sitcom bro-chain.
This legend…wait for it, its so awesome everybody knows your name, even if you’ve been bamboozled 4077 times by Dunder Mifflin in Pawnee Indiana…. ary group of 10 men would be the ultimate group to call your brothers. Why 10? How many seats are there at a vegas poker table? How many slots are in a traditional fantasy football league? How many guys you need for a full court pick up game? How many names fit into my wife’s OCD? TEN! I GIVE IT A TEN!
Read below to find out what fine, upstanding individuals you’ll be hanging out with watching the game. We’ve got a few doctors on staff for when things get too wild, a bar owner for obvious benefits, an accountant, an actor, and a P.L.E.A.S.E. specialist. All were on wildly successful television sitcoms (disclaimer, “dramadies” were not considered, otherwise this list would be Denny Crane, Denny Crane, Denny Crane), and all are aaaawwweeeessssoooommmmmeeeee.
SAM MALONE – CHEERS
The ultimate ladies man. Who wouldn’t want to hang with a former ballplayer, a guy who played for the greatest team in the greatest town in all the land? A guy who once tried to sail around the world in his own boat, who owns a bar, and who has Kevin McHale on speed dial for basketball pick up games? The leader of the pack and a must have for any brochacho alliance.
NORM PETERSON – CHEERS
Its a dog eats dog world out there, and Norm is wearing milk bone underwear. Why are we adding an unemployed, overweight, hungry heffer going, average Joe like Norm Peterson? Because we need someone on this list to make me feel good about myself. Plus he’s funny, loyal, and if we’re starting with Sam, we may as well take Norm, I mean he’s already sitting there on his stool.
CHANDLER BING – FRIENDS
A guy who moved from the friend zone to start nailing his best friend’s little sister. Who wouldn’t want that guy around? Could he be, any funnier? You always need a member of your crew who can rock a flock of seagulls hair cut, and after looking at the picture above, we’ll keep looking. He’s gonna have to commute to hang with us though, because Central Perk has nothing on Cheers.
JOEY TRIBBIANI – FRIENDS
We’ve got 4 lady’s men in the group, so to even the odds a little bit we’re gonna have to keep this VD poster available to help keep the playing field fair for the rest of us. The biggest problem I’m picturing is the food order when watching the games, because as everybody knows, Joey doesn’t share food!
JIM HALPERT – THE OFFICE
Why Jim Halpert you ask? Well, this is a man who made Scranton Pennsylvania interesting. Let me repeat… SCRANTON PENNSYLVANIA INTERESTING. The man is loyal, throws a mean bachelor party, and knows how to slow play a prank like none other. And any group needs a good prankster. I’d pay to see the back and forth prank wars between Jim and another member of our group….
BARNEY STINSON – HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
You can’t have a group of co-best friends without the man who literally wrote the Bro-Code book. (Bro Code Article 19: A Bro shall not sleep with another bro’s sister. However, a bro shall not get angry if another bro says, “Bro, your sisters hot”…… so opps, Chandler already broke the code). The ultimate planner, a blogger, and all around bad ass dude, clearly Barney Stinson was modeled after me.
JOHN DORIAN – SCRUBS
No one, and I mean no one knows more about a bromance than our next two group members. JD hooked up with Sarah Chalke, Mandy Moore, Tara Reid, Kerri Russell, Elizabeth Banks, Christa Miller, Julianna Marguiles, Maria Menounos, Heather Graham, Amy Smart, Sarah Lancaster, and Chrystee Pharrish…. damn, JD was low key a male slut. I’m so proud of our buddy. But while he was hooking up with these fine fine women, he was more emotionally connected to his bro Chris Turk than any man should be. But as creepy as the connection got, I still have nothing but respect for Dr. Dorian.
CHRIS TURK – SCRUBS
I almost forgot to add Turk, but then I Remembered the Titans. You can’t add JD and not add Turk. This smooth talking, ultra loyal, original lip sync maestro is someone anybody would be lucky to hang with. Added bonus, he’s married so we don’t have to worry about him stealing from the flock of women this group would draw at the bars.
RON SWANSON – PARKS & RECREATION
This is god damn Ron Mother Ducking Swanson. A man’s man, a gun toting, steak eating, glorious mustache rocking, American hero. A man of few words, who would actually abhor the idea of being in a group of 9 other men, he would be the alpha of this group. Others may be more charismatic, but no one would dare oppose the word of Swanson when spoken.
CAPTAIN BENJAMIN FRANKLIN PIERCE, AKA HAWKEYE – M*A*S*H*
Loyal? Check. Hilarious? Check. Womanizer? Check. Borderline alcoholic? Check. Prankster? Check. Survived the Korean War? Check. Grew up in Maine? Check. If that doesn’t all add up to awesome, then I just don’t know what does. Hawkeye made it almost seem cool to spend years away from home during time of war.
Imagine making a Hangover type movie with this cast of characters, or join a fantasy football league with these guys? A poker night, pub crawl, painting the town. The world hasn’t seen this much awesomeness in one place since the last time I was drunk.
Now that you’ve read through that, who’d I miss?
Brought to you by
- Jason Sullivan
- Find me on Twitter @TopDucker